did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
