I met the friendliest cop last night
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
