Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
