how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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