I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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