I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
