I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
