I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
