going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
