My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
