Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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