You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
