just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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