Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
