The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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