someone threw a dead crab at me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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