You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
