I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
