Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
