first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need to align my fucking chakras
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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