he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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