just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
