if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
