my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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