so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
