If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize