Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
