I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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