The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
