Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
