Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
