dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
everyone is single if you try hard enough
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
