Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
