so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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