so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
