Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
