So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
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the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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