God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
