Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
