you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
