We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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