Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
