morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
