Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
