i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
