my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
