I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
