I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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