Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
