Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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