Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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