Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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