I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
