in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
