i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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