mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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