Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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