I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
