I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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